Some days I wake up feeling like P Diddy… Everything goes my way: the water in the shower was hot, there was bacon at breakfast, class was cancelled… insert whatever things get you jacked about a day. On those days I praise the Lord for my talents and gifts too. God is so good. I trust Him. I’ve got it all figured out. I even know what He wants from me in the long term. I can see that I’m worthy.
What about a bad day: Had to get up early, rushed my shower, was late to class, cafeteria served liver… insert whatever ruins a day. On those days despair rushes like water through a busted dam. I have no gifts. I don’t even know God anymore… why would he let me be so lonely?...I am so lost as to what I’m supposed to do. I’m not good at anything anyway. I’m not worthy of love.
My question in prayer lately is why is my heart so extreme in different situations? For a while I chalked it up to stress and outside stimulation but it’s so consistently inconsistent there has to be a reason.
I realized it’s because I’m afraid to let Him have all of me. I want to give Him only the parts I can see at any given time… but He wants all of me all the time, and the same is true of you. I have a great fear of giving Him free reign in my heart, especially the parts I don't understand.
Because I have a fear of letting Him into the parts of me that I don't understand, the Lord has been showing me how to break my bad habits of having partial sight about myself; I want to talk a little about what the Lord has been placing in my heart.
If you didn’t know I’m in Mexico and I will be until Mid-July. It’s humbling to wake up and know that you are going to have to rely on others. I’m not running the show so to speak. It makes sense though why He has placed me here now. He wants me to have the patience, humility, love, and consistency to look upon myself with truth. He wants me to see that I have gifts and talents that He’s asking me to use in a special way… but also He wants me to see that I’m broken. I have a lot of faults and weaknesses that need correcting and sometimes He wants me to be alone with Him. He moved me out of my cozy safe zone and in the silence and moments of confusion I’m learning to praise God for my existence as a whole. I don’t want to dwell on how good I am, nor how broken I am… no I want to dwell on the fact that I am… and I am with Him.
That’s the example of the virgin martyrs. They didn’t need crazy mystical experiences to find joy in the Lord, nor to recognize their smallness. They just chose. Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. They didn’t one day draw near to God dwelling on their 'good parts' and the next day dwell on their 'bad parts'. They were joyful, sacrificial, aware of how beloved they were, and aware of their many faults and longed to improve. They died for love of Him, because they offered themselves totally in faith to the Lord even though giving Him free reign to dig and challenge daily is scary. He loves us every day because He made us. Let us strive together to know ourselves and act as though we know how loved we are. May the mercy of our Lord flow from His side and penetrate our very being.